We are All Victims of Victims

It is true - the biggest factor of what makes you YOU, is how you were raised and the environment you were raised in.


Only recently is when I realized this for myself as I'm currently trying to heal some past trauma. All my life, I just believed that I was born with certain personality traits and would feel shameful of it, as if I couldn't change those parts of myself because I identified so heavily with them.


Little did I know that I've built these toxic traits over time without realizing that the environment I grew up in was the reason for it.


I've truly been blessed in life with my family and our life situation, and I will be forever grateful for their role in who I am today and for granting me the opportunities to build a successful life.


But just like everything else, nothing is ever as perfect as it seems. There is no perfect family out there. There is no perfect parenting style...every generation has it's own problems and its own trauma, and it will be a constant cycle. It's inevitable.


Growing up, I was that kid that dreamed big for EVERYTHING! There was never a time where my head was not in the clouds imagining my perfect future, which mostly just revolved around traveling because that's what made me feel happiest.


"I want to travel the world. I want to own my own studio. I want to just take pictures and travel. I want to own a vintage Bronco. I want to live in Hawaii for a year and go to Iceland the next. I want to travel as my job. I want to work odd jobs while I travel. I want to swim with sharks in Bali. I want to own a home in the forests away from people."



As kids, we should have the freedom to think and dream big. Our natural purity, innocence, liveliness, wonder, and openness are key ingredients to becoming a powerful manifestor.


But what stops us from actually going through with it and from being our natural selves?


Trauma. Societal, parental, and generational trauma.

 

At home, I was unintentionally hindered from believing. I was knocked down with "realistic" and "practical" ideologies.


"How are you going to do that with no money? How do you expect to live that lifestyle without a job? That's unrealistic. Wake up. You'll see when you enter the real world."


As a kid, why the fuck should I have to be worried about that??? That's what my adult life is for.


It made me feel inhibited.


It made me feel caged in. (as a Sagittarius moon, that's my enemy. I was dying inside)


It made me feel like I was doing everything wrong and can’t satisfy them no matter how hard I tried.


It made me feel crazy and lonely for thinking the way I did.


It made me feel like what I wanted was impossible.


On top of that, my environment was one of anxiety because I was surrounded by that energy at all times. Constantly worrying about the SMALLEST OF THINGS. Things out of one's control, which of course causes anxiety because you're fighting a battle you cannot win.


Being surrounded by that and looking up to authoritative figures like my family, I was convinced that that's how I had to think.


But no child should ever have to live in fear the way I did. I really do think it has prevented me from pursing the many dreams I set for myself.


It caused me to be my own worst enemy. It caused me to be my own worst hater. It caused me to doubt myself and my potential. It caused me to have low self esteem. It caused me to approach a life that I wasn't going to be happy living because I wouldn't be living it for myself.


At this point in my life is when I am facing the repercussions of living for others. I pursued a degree I genuinely am not passionate about and don't think I could be happy in. I focused too heavily on school growing up rather than enjoying my youth to its fullest. I doubt my ability for literally everything I try to pursue, including this blog.