Dear inner child, A million apologies to you for letting too much slide. I am so sorry for what I put you through this year. I broke your heart.
Healing starts when you recognize the role you play in your own suffering.
The hardest part is admitting that you are the only one responsible for your suffering. No one wants to admit that. No one wants to point fingers at themselves and take accountability for the situations they experience. Situations THEY put themselves through. But it's time to own up to it.
The hardest part is admitting that everything you went and go through is self inflicted. It doesn’t matter how dirty someone did you, you allowed it to happen at some point. Even worse, you allowed it to continue.
You wouldn’t have even attracted that or entertained it if you were on a higher level and for that I apologize to you, little Amanda.
I don’t want that for you anymore.
I don’t want you to feel this self-guilt, shame, disgust, and disappointment within yourself anymore.
Ever since you were a little girl, you always saw the good in people... or in other words, their potential. You have this gift of reading people really really well and I think it's because you've always been able to go deep within yourself, it's allowed you to go deep within others. You always saw people for who they could be, no matter how much they hurt you. No matter how much they disrespected you. No matter how much they showed you who they are, you still believed the good in them.
You're an empath. You have this insane amount of empathy towards people and you know that when they hurt you it has everything to do with them and nothing to do with you. It comes from a place of insecurity and projection. You knew they were better than that, so you just took it. You made excuses for them.
You put all the good things about these people above all the disrespect they put you through, disrespect YOU ALLOWED. Especially from people you didn't expect it from, friends and family.
It's time to let that go. It's their job to become that person. It is not your job to try and get them there...it never was.
It's your job to believe them when they show you who they really are. It's your job to love them from afar and just hope and pray they find their way.
You can't force somebody to be there for you the way you need them to be. The more you force it, the more it's gonna break you, test you, and drain you. Until you have no other choice but to leave.
I know baby, I know it hurts. Let it all out. Don't ever be ashamed of your love. Don't ever be ashamed of your care. Don't ever be ashamed of your big heart.
Choose who you give it to more wisely. That's all. You're learning.
I genuinely lost myself, I strayed away from you little Amanda. Your friends started noticing too, which honestly hurt most.
Daniela even calls it - "you drank the dumb bitch juice”. Indeed I did…not once, not twice, but over 3 times!!!!!
I felt shitty if I'm being quite honest. There's no worse feeling than pretending to be someone you're not, and convincing yourself that that's who you are. Your body LITERALLY rejects it. And in response, I ignored it. I ignored all the signs and repressed everything it was I truly felt, just as long as my abandonment wounds weren't triggered. I knew that once I left the situation I was in, I'd have to face my demons.
I knew that once I was alone, I had to hold myself accountable. The aftermath was way uglier than what I had endured during the process. Shame and disgust within myself consumed me. "How did I allow that to happen? That's not like me. Where is my self-respect? Where is my self-worth? Where did all the inner work from the last two years go?"
I broke my heart. I caused my pain.
But here's the thing, no matter how dirty someone did me, I never really TRULY blamed them. I never truly hated them. I have nothing but love for them. And that's what makes this so FUCKING FRUSTRATING. It's so much easier to just point my fingers onto them, to hate them with all my being. To want revenge and to wish them hell. But I don't...and I never will. In fact, I'm grateful for them. They are helping me become my strongest most highest self. I truly owe it all to them. After all, you can't grow without enduring pain.
I will always love them, ALWAYS. I will always want the best for them. Every single person that left or that I had to leave behind. Whether they deserve it or not.
And I don't care if that's stupid of me. This is me. This is my strength, not my demise.
They never really caused me pain, they just showed me who they are and I was too blind to see it. It was MY tolerance to their actions that caused this chaos. It was MY willingness to stay. It was MY allowance of letting shit slide and not standing up for you little Amanda. I blame myself. I am so sorry.
I hope you learn this - People's actions and inactions have everything to do with them and they do not define your worth. They are battling their own demons, and they don't have the self awareness to not project onto those around them. They haven't had the taste of inner peace like you did and that's why you are so desperately wanting to help them reach their full potential. You just want them to be happy. But this savior complex is killing you.
You are so worthy little one. You are so beautiful inside and out and everyone can sense it. I promise you that. I may be stuck between who I was and who I'm meant to be, but I can't wait to embody you fully. I can't wait to be the real, free-spirited me. I thank you for being so patient with me. And despite having gone through all I went through, you got me out of it. I admire you and thank you for always putting us first. I love you.
Your Work in Progress <3
I had written this to myself this last full moon on my notes app, my most prized possession btw, while balling my eyes out as I sat on the top of my trunk and gazed up at the night sky.
I had so much I needed to release, and I realized GAH DAMN, I love crying. It's so underrated LOL. I felt brand new. But that headache after crying thoooooo... at least I'll sleep like a baby :)
I was debating on sharing this letter to myself because I do expose a lot, things I never even told my best friend. But I believe in the power of vulnerability and I had a feeling someone out there needed to hear that they are not alone in their struggles.
Discovering yourself is one of the hardest and longest battles, yet the most beautiful journey you will ever experience. Once you think you've found yourself, life tests you to see if you will stay true to your commitment of becoming the person you dream of being.
It's okay to feel like you lost your way.
You are allowed to grow. I think it's time that you stop holding onto the past and holding it against you. You can't change it, but you can change what's ahead of you. The only way of getting over the past, is getting past it.
You are allowed to make mistakes. What you're not allowed to do is bully yourself over it. No one is hurting you as much as you're hurting yourself. Let go and start forgiving yourself. You'd never talk to a friend, your daugther/son, your mom/dad, your freakin grandma the way you talk to yourself. Be careful what you tell yourself, your reality will reflect those thoughts.
You are allowed to outgrow situations, places, and people. Not everything is meant to last forever, but for a season. Let life naturally unfold for you and watch everything fall into place when you do.
I am rooting for you, you have no idea. I know I don't know most of you personally, but nothing makes me more happier than seeing people happy. That's the point of this life - to live your truth. It makes my soul happy to see that, it truly does.
I am proud of you. Keep going love!!!
Amanda, your #1 fan