I care too much, and because I do, I hurt too much.
I read an Instagram post the other day and it went something like this:
People are in our lives for a reason, season, or lifetime. The pain comes when we put them in the wrong category.
I don’t know about you, but that hit hard.
I value relationships greatly, too much in fact. I’ve always been the selfless type of individual, prioritizing everyone else’s feelings and wants over my own.
It was really hard for me to watch people walk away, let alone leave a bad impression. I held so tightly to the idea that they were meant to stay.
I held so tightly to the idea that the history I had with someone was far greater than the future I could have with them even if I outgrew them.
It was hard for me to cut people off, even when I knew deep down that I did not like the way I felt around them. I did not like the person they brought out of me.
But I never considered that being too selfless caused me to drain myself. Being too selfless caused a part of me to leave with them. Being too selfless caused me to feel less than my self.
Anything forced is not real.
So why do we force them into the lifetime category? Why do we resist these lessons and find ourselves in repeating, unhealthy scenarios? Why do we beat ourselves up when we placed them in the wrong category?
When I read that Insta quote, I had an “a-ha” moment.
Although I agreed whole heartedly with the quote, there was something in me that was nudging to get out.
A perspective I never really explored.
The little voice in my head said, “Or maybe the problem is we try to categorize everyone we meet instead of simply allowing people to flow in and out of our lives.
It’s not a matter of fitting them into the wrong category, it’s a matter of categorizing in the first place. If we were to stay present and fully embrace it, there would be no aftermath pain. You’d accept all of what life brings you, whether it comes or goes.”
For the first time in my life, I've finally met someone new without feeling the need to designate them into one of those categories. I just enjoy the time I have with this person and by doing so I've never felt more like myself with a stranger before.
No pressure. No expectations. Just the present.
It's incredibly freeing to feel this way because although I do care for this person, I know I'll be fine if they don't stay. I was fine before them and I will be fine after them. I know I’ll be hurt, but I have to be selfless for ME. I love myself too much to stay where I don’t belong.
This may sound cold-hearted but I just don’t care anymore. I don’t care about outcomes anymore. I’m just really trying to detach from what could be and make room for what WILL be.
What’s meant to happen will happen. Don’t rush. Don’t force.
And in the meantime, I will still enjoy myself, be myself, and live my life how I please.
I have full faith that what I’m looking for is out there and if it means people coming and going, then so be it. I will find what I’m looking for. I will never settle into something just for the sake of being in someone's company.
Don’t ever settle. EVER. What you are looking for, even if you think it's impossible or not real, is out there too. Believe it and you'll receive it.
The truth of the matter is not everyone you meet stays and not everyone is for you. Most of them come and go, and it's usually to teach you a lesson.
And then that’s when I realized the next thing:
We carry a piece of everyone we ever met within us. We are a mosaic of everyone we've come across with, and each little piece is aimlessly stuck together and incorporated to make a unique and beautiful work of art.
I think it's a beautiful idea that if you look closer into each and every single person, you get to see every other person they've been influenced by - the good, the bad, the ugly, and everything in between.
It's beautiful to know how impactful we really are, how significant we are to be able to change the quirks, behaviors, phrases, and actions of other people. We hold a lot of power. It's up to you to use it for good or for bad.