Remember when Maddy on Euphoria said, "The thing about confidence is no one knows if its real or not" ??
I couldn't agree more.
The narrative that people have of you is in your control, to a certain extent. If you want to seem confident, you have the power to appear confident, even if you struggle behind closed doors and don't believe it for yourself. Fake it till you make it, ya know?
The problem with this attempt at self-confidence is that the façade can only last so long...
You're too busy trying to come across as confident rather than actually BEING confident. You start doing it for others rather than doing it for yourself. You care more about how you are perceived rather than becoming the person you present yourself as.
To embody confidence takes a lot more than just faking it. Lets get into it shall we...
Here's the thing about confidence...
ITS SILENT! INSECURITIES ARE LOUD!
A confident person never has to prove that they are confident. They just are.
I learned this universal fact at such a young age. Growing up I had a very close friend in middle school that I looked up to so much because I really thought she was THE shit. I wanted to be like her.
She "exuded" so much assurance and walked around like she owned the place - head held high, great posture, skin tight polo shirt, skinny jeans, push up bra, high top Jordan's, makeup on fleek, straight bangs & moussed wavy hair (can't forget the one hand side bang flip move, that was hot LOL), hundreds of Silly Bandz up her arms, crossbody purse as a backpack cuz fuck a JanSport...
She had every pubescent boy look her way as she walked down the halls, every middle school girl's dream!!!!
Little did I know that she was the most insecure person I have ever met.
Spending more time with her, I noticed that her confidence was just a front, there was not an ounce of self-assurance in her. She'd constantly fish for compliments by talking down on herself to other people. "I look so ugly today", "My hair does not look good", "I'm so fat", "I hate my smile", "I need to lose weight"... all to have other people validate her in return. Her self-worth was dependent on the compliments she'd seek from others.
Her aura no longer become one of high self-esteem. In fact, it was draining to be around her, to be around someone that didn't know or value themself.
It's the perfect example as to how pretending to be confident wouldn't really get you anywhere. You have to believe it for yourself. Another lesson I learned - don't look up to anyone! Most people aren't the person they present themselves to be.
Insecure people constantly seek external validation to feel good because they don't validate themselves. It must come from within.
Usually they make it known they are insecure from the negative self-talk or they constantly feel the need to prove their strengths or achievements in an arrogant way. They try to be loud to camouflage their insecurities...if only they knew they are just exposing themselves.
Confidence is inner, insecurity is outer.
For me, it just happened one morning when I decided that I am IT, I am the shit. It was a choice, as simple as that may sound. I chose to not feel certain emotions anymore. I was tired of trying sooooo hard to become confident, I just became it.
STOP TRYING. START BELIEVING.
There really is no secret to it but to just believe. Believe you're the shit, believe you're "that girl", believe you're the prize, believe you can never be embarrassed, believe you can never be offended or rejected.
I'm at a point right now where I really do not NEED any compliments, I don't place my worth based on the praise I get from other people. It is very much appreciated, everyone loves compliments of course, but I never go out to seek them because I know that whatever I'm told, I believe it for myself.
Embarrassment was one of those emotions I chose to not feel anymore. I can no longer get offended because I know me more than anyone will ever get the chance to, and the only validation I need is from myself...that's all I care about. Think I'm ugly?? Cool, I'm not going to expend energy in trying to prove how I'm not because at the end of the day, you can't please everyone.
You can be complimented all day everyday, but if you don't believe it for yourself then all that's ever going to be is instant and temporary gratification. Days after you'll still feel unworthy, inadequate, lacking. WHY? Because you don't feel whole within yourself. You're not secure in who you are.
How do you build inner quiet confidence?
I was very much an insecure little girl growing up, and I don't blame her. She had every right to feel what she felt.
THAT was the first step in my path to self-confidence: accepting that I am insecure and making a vow to myself that I will become better. It's perfectly okay to not feel whole within yourself and to have insecurities, EVERYONE ON THIS EARTH HAS GONE THROUGH IT. It's up to you on whether or not you want to continue to feel this way... only you can get yourself out of it.
These are some tips, in no particular order, to aid in your self-confidence journey:
Start focusing on yourself. Get comfortable with being alone, you will learn a lot. Find yourself and dive deep into who you really are so that no one else can determine that for you. Find out your "wants" and "don't wants". Know what you deserve and don't ever settle for less...in all aspects of life!
Constantly remind yourself that everyone around you is just like you. There is no one above you or below you. When you set yourself on the same level, you never have to feel insecure or inadequate around people you think are out of your league or feel the need to one-up those that aren't. You just show up as you. And that leads to the next tip.
The "Take It or Leave It" mindset. You realize that all you can do is show up as you, and if they can't have you for all that you are, you walk away. Don't stay where you don't belong, and instead go where you are valued, appreciated, and loved. Recognize that you have so much to offer and don't confuse what you are offered with your worth. Let people lose you instead of trying to convince them of your worth!!!
Change the way you talk to yourself. You wouldn't even say half the shit you tell yourself to another person. Support yourself instead of finding ways to shit on yourself. It's impossible to win if you're not on your own team. THIS WAS A GAME CHANGER FOR ME.
AFFIRMATIONS. You become what you think baby. Say at least 5-10 positive affirmations everyday to yourself while looking in the mirror. Feel free to use some of the ones I provided at the end of this blog. Visualize the person you want to become, then show up as her/him.
Be decisive. Don't say "I think" or "I'm not sure". Say "This is it" or "I'm sure of it." Making up your mind quickly and sticking to your beliefs reflects sureness of self.
Accept that YOU ARE NOT FOR EVERYONE. And that's okay. You really shouldn't even want to be because you don't even like everyone. You will eventually attract those that are meant to stay in your life.
Get out of your comfort zone. You cannot grow where you are comfortable. Challenge yourself to feel uncomfortable emotions. Go at your own pace though! Confidence is a product of doing something that you fear because you realize what you're capable of!
Spend less time on social media. It is inevitable that we all compare ourselves to picture-perfect bodies and lives on these platforms. You need to be conscious of what you feed your mind, like that of what you feed your body. Watch what you consume, mentally and physically. Stop mindlessly scrolling. Take a social media break once in a while and do or create something. Connect with yourself.
Stop comparing yourself to everyone. Stop seeing everyone as competition and start competing with yourself to become a better you. Compete with your ego, your procrastination, your laziness, your insecurities, your diet, your behavior.
Create an active lifestyle. Workout to feel good over looking good. Take daily walks, blast music and dance like no one's watching, go on a bike ride, buy a gym membership and go 3-4 times a week. Yes, consistent exercise helps build confidence by improving body image, but the way you feel tends to reap more benefits. Feeling strong in your body creates more confidence than trying to acquire a perfect physique. Try to focus more on how you feel rather than how you look.
Accept your imperfections. I promise you, no one notices the little things about yourself the way you do. We are our own worst critics. Fall in love with what makes you uniquely gorgeous. You shouldn't want to look like everybody else anyways. Embrace all that you are. When you love those parts about yourself that make you different, you attract people that will also fall in love with those parts.
Almost everybody can agree that confidence is sexy. Why?
Because it emanates NON-NEEDINESS!
If someone doesn't need you, it communicates value. It says "I'm good. I'm whole. I'm complete. I don't need your love to feel validated."
No one wants to feel like they have to take care of another person physically, mentally, emotionally, and spiritually. We are too busy trying to do that for ourselves. The healthiest relationships are those in which both parties are whole within themselves and add happiness and value to the dynamic, without having to be the source for the other party.
It's sexy to know yourself. Your aura becomes powerful and magnetic. You become a silent, self-sufficient powerhouse! You give without expecting anything in return. You believe in yourself and success always follows. You love yourself so much, to the point where you have the courage to walk away when you aren't treated or receiving all that you deserve. You put yourself first.
So here's to leveling TF up! You got this, I believe in you.
Now believe in yourself, you beautiful human.